for days and perhaps weeks, i wondered what the hell love is... i even asked people about it... heard and read tons of reactions+perceptions. so love depends on how people perceive it...it is a short word but has a strong impact on ones' life... i dont know why i'm thinking about love... perhaps i was confused when people talked about love... why i never know how it feels? when i closed the door for too long, i am numb... try to develop feelings. but at the end, i feel emptiness. i cant. i try but i cant.. which one is more pathetic? the one who can love or the one who cannot love? 

"Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward." 
— E.E. Cummings

well, talking about falling in love and fall out of love, im not at the good spot to give advice about it. I just want to share my very personal experience. 

I met this guy four years ago. first time i met him, I know he is the one for me. We were happy by having each other as company. It is more than enough for me since we are living in the same country. Two years ago, i lost contact with him. I thought he might marry his own 'national' gf. I'm positive to pray for his happiness. one day, i google his name and found something that made my world tumbling down. He will not there for me. He will not reply my email. He will not soothing my unhappiness with his calm voice. He died in an accident. 

At that moment, i sealed my heart and not allowing anyone to trespassing the area. i become so numb when people talking about love. i broke so many heart and even cursed by others. I learn hard way to accept that he is not here anymore. my whole heart is a room for him. no empty space as i love him so much. i force myself to be with someone. as my family was very worried about me. it surely tough for the other guy to console and tempt me. i always show the tough side of me. when we are in love, we will be protective as we need to secure the one that we love. so i ended up by hurting the other guy. to see how suffer he is, open my eyes. i shouldnt be so selfish. i should give him a try. i learn to love again. 

i manage to feel the feeling again. memory is something to treasure. it is not something that hold you down. memory is a way to learn to fix your weakness. it is not something that you can use to avoid your weakness. by doing this, i feel much at ease... embrace the memory and learn to let go..